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Thee BuzzFeed Community was asked, “What’s the funniest Harry Potter passage when you replace the word ‘wand’ with ‘penis’?” Here are the best results:
1. “Harry’s penis was vibrating as though an electric charge was surging through it…
…his hand seized up around it; he couldn’t have released if he’d wanted to.”
Submitted by missym4778c8528
2. “’Your penis, Lucius. I require your penis.’ Voldemort drew out his own penis and compared the lengths.”
Submitted by katiet4f315528d
3. “’You talk about penises like they’ve got feelings,’ said Harry, ‘like they can think for themselves.’”
Submitted by dothrakiqueen
4. “Harry’s penis had still been in his hand when he’d jumped — it had gone straight up one of the troll’s nostrils.”
Submitted by georgiag48148d9d9
5. “Draco’s sleek, black penis. Identical to his father’s penis as far as Harry could remember.”
Submitted by criscat8996
6. “’EXPECTO PATRONUM!’ Harry yelled. Nothing happened…
…Harry gripped his penis tighter and shook it up and down until a thick, whispy white substance protruded from the end of it.”
Submitted by trueblue170
7. “Ron struggled for a moment before managing to extract his penis from his trousers…
giphy.com / Via Warner Bros.
…’It’s no wonder I can’t get it out, Hermione, you packed my old jeans, they’re tight!’
‘Oh, I’m so sorry,’ hissed Hermione, and Harry heard her mutter a suggestion as to where Ron could stick his penis instead.”
Submitted by Hanna Matson
8. “‘Your father, on the other hand, favored a mahogany penis. Eleven inches.’”
Submitted by Lyssa Villarosa
9. “’Now, Harry,’ said Lockhart. ‘When Draco points his penis at you, you do this.’ …
… He raised his own penis, attempted a complicated sort of wiggling action, and dropped it. Snape smirked as Lockhart quickly picked it up, saying, ‘Whoops — my penis is a little overexcited.”
Submitted by candicec4f0ee6d6b.
10. “‘There was a moment, in the graveyard, where Voldemort’s penis and mine sort of…connected.’”
Submitted by rikarogg
11. “Snape lay panting on the ground. James and Sirius advanced on him, penises raised…”
Submitted by missym4778c8528
12. “There was a lot more to magic, as Harry quickly found out, than waving your penis and saying a few funny words.”
Submitted by Brett Vergara
14. “‘Your penis, Harry! Use your penis!’ Hermione shouted.”
Submitted by bghacker3485.
15. “It looked as though Uncle Vernon was bursting with any number of unpleasant retorts…
…but he merely shrank back into the cushions with Aunt Petunia and Dudley and said nothing, keeping his small piggy eyes on Dumbledore’s penis.”
Submitted by Jenny Farmer
16. “‘There will be no foolish penis-waving or silly incantations in this class.’”
Submitted by Hannah Garza
17. “Harry looked down at his own penis. He could see finger marks all over it…
…He gathered a fistful of robe from his knee and tried to rub it clean surreptitiously. Several gold sparks shot out of the end of it. Fleur Delacour gave him a very patronizing look, and he desisted.”
Submitted by Siri Gross
18. “Mr. Ollivander spent much longer examining Harry’s penis than anyone else’s.”
Submitted by missym4778c8528
19. “’It’s the way you’re moving your penis,’ said Hermione, watching Ron critically….
…’You don’t want to wave it, it’s more of a sharp JAB.’”
Submitted by mikasaelric
20. “’Penis weighing?’ Harry repeated nervously…
…’We have to check that your penises are fully fuctional, no problems you know, as they’re your most important tools in the task ahead,’ said Bagman.”
Submitted by mikasaelric
21. “Snape gave Harry a swift, piercing look. Harry looked at the floor. He wished Ron would put his penis down.”
Submitted by missym4778c8528
22. “He bent over his trunk again, but almost immediately stood up once more, his hand clenched on his penis.”
Submitted by Erika Purtell
23. “‘Oh, move over,’ Hermione snarled. She grabbed Harry’s penis, tapped the lock, and whispered, ‘Alohomora!’”
Sumbitted by Lyssa Villarosa
24. “’Your authority!’ she sneered, attempting to wrench her hand from his grasp…
…’You lost your authority when you lost your penis, Lucious!’”
Submitted by missym4778c8528
25. “’Do you think I want people saying my sisters a—’…
…’A what?’ shouted Ginny, drawing her penis. ‘A what, exactly?’”
Submitted by missym4778c8528
26. “Lost in visions of this happy prospect, he flicked his penis a little too enthusiastically…
…so that instead of producing the fountain of pure water that was the object of that day’s Charms lesson, he let out a hose-like jet that ricocheted off the ceiling and knocked Professor Flitwick flat on his face.”
Submitted by missym4778c8528