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Masturbation dates back tens of thousands of years, right back to the when humans were living in caves.
Today there are of course dozens of methods of self pleasure (dildos, vibrators, manual to name a few).
But 28,000 years ago things weren’t so easy.
In honour of International Masturbation Month (May!), here’s a look at the history of self-pleasure, sex toys and, well, sex itself.
From erotic literature and art, to buzzing new inventions, it seems when our ancestors had some time on their hands they knew what needed to be done.
1. 18th century Scottish men got together for a group w***ing club
The Beggar’s Benison met to eat, drink, talk about sex and masturbate together.
Their initiation ceremony included men putting their erect penises against one anothers’ on a plate, covered with a napkin.
2. The ancient Greeks masturbated with bread sticks
Greek women baked hard bread sticks called olisbokollikes and used them as dildos.
They also used olive oil as lube.
3. Pharaohs masturbated into the Nile
Ancient Egyptians believed the god Atum created the universe by masturbating to ejaculation, and that the ebb and flow of the Nile corresponded to how much he came.
To honour this, the pharaohs ceremonially masturbated into the river, according to O: The Intimate History Of The Orgasm by Johnathan Margolis.
4. The oldest dildo was found in Germany
Made of silt stone, this is 28,000 years old phallus was found in the Hohle Fels Cave, Ulm.
It’s 20cm long and 3cm wide.
5. This guy introduced dildos to England
The first use of the word dildo in English appears in The Choise Of Valentines Or The Merie Ballad Of Nash His Dildo, by 16th Century poet Thomas Nashe (pictured).
It is about a man’s first sexual encounter in a brothel and features a glass dildo.
6. The first electric vibrator was called Granville’s Hammer
In 1883 Dr Joseph Mortimer Granville came up with an invention to relieve muscle tension in men and women.
It worked better on women.
7. Romans masturbated with their left hands
Ancient Pompeii graffiti read ‘when my worries oppress by body, with my left hand, I release my pent up fluids.’
And Ovid, Pliny, and others, used the left hand as a metaphor for masturbation.
8. Porn’s nothing new
Cave porn in Arnhem Land, Australia, dates back 28,000 years.
There’s also rude scenes created 30,000 years ago at France’s Chauvet caves and 40,000 years old in northern Spain.
9. A robber held up a bank with his girlfriend’s rampant rabbit
In 2006, Nicki Jex made away with £600 after convincing staff at Ladbrokes that the sex toy, wrapped in a plastic bag, was a gun.
He was sentenced to five years behind bars.
10. It’s illegal to sell sex toys in Alabama
You can’t buy ‘obscene devices’ in this US state and it’s not just some dusty old law no one pays any attention to either.
The 1998 Anti-Obscenity Enforcement Act criminalises the sale of sex toys and the last challenge to it, in 2009, was defeated.